Dirty

Dirty is a story about my wrongful conviction. This is my MakersPlace Genesis.

In 2005 I was sentenced to 32 years in prison for crimes another man confessed to. At the time of trial, I was convicted on circumstantial evidence that was completely related to symptoms, for a documented mental illness of obsessive compulsive disorder and bipolar type two disorder.

I was not allowed to use my mental illness as a defense, yet at trial the prosecutor closed his arguments talking about a reasonable person, and explaining I was not reasonable, therefore, I was guilty.

Would a reasonable person have done these things? The answer is no. But I was not a reasonable person. I was an unmedicated, mentally ill person.

The experience in the press and upon my arrival in prison, I felt dead inside. I was dirty, nonexistent, inhuman. I was judged and there was no defense, because any defense would have been further humiliation.

I didn't understand why a diagnosed illness would result in such a catastrophic circumstance of guilt in the public's eyes.

Sadness and despair permeated the 14 years I was gone. Art, saved my life. It took away the thoughts of suicide, and loneliness. Contrary to the appearance, Dirty is about overcoming the perceptions of others and living in hope. This is why she carries the Ankh. It is but a moment in time, a millisecond in the universe, because I believe our souls are eternal.

I have always been spiritual, not believing any one particular religion. I believe all faiths return to different descriptions of the same thing. Look outward, look upwards, more than you look inward. This is what my father & mother taught me.

I wrote this poem to represent the mantra I would tell myself each day. I used the word God, because I believed in more…more than that pain, more than that experience. For 14 years I painted over 5,600 pieces. This is one of the pillars of my experience. It represents unfathomed shame.

When you judge me you make me feel dirty your opinion shouldn't matter but it hurts my soul. God knows the truth he walked those miles  in my shoes I remind myself His is the only opinion that matters.

-Maryanne Chisholm

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